Guys, I have an announcement.
I ate without the person I was with eating too. Possibly for the 1st time in my life.
It was Wednesday night and I couldn't wait to tell you all. I almost wrote a 2nd blog last week- patience isn't always my strong suit.
My boyfriend and I were hanging out but I hadn't eaten yet so I ordered food. He had just had dinner with his family because we originally weren't planning on eating.
I didn't even hesitate.
Food has NEVER been a confident area for me- I've come to realize just how uncomfortable it has made me feel these past couple of years.
Past me has been in SEVERAL situations where I was hungry and no one else was so I didn't eat.
I remember, about a year ago, I was with friends drinking on an empty stomach (don't do that) and got hungry. I asked the guy I hanging out with if he thought we should get food and he said he wasn't hungry.
Literally I didn't eat for probably 5 more hours because I was so scared to order.
I eat with people all of the time and even in that setting I get weird once in a blue moon.
Shame and food have gone hand in hand for a long time in my life.
NEVER have I ever just had someone chill watching me eat.
I didn't realize how much progress I've made lately on my shame around eating.
Like, guys, I didn't even freak out afterwards when I thought through all of this.
There's a lot of internal work behind that and it's showing.
I'm fucking really proud of that. An unexpected non-scale victory.
My brain always told me" You're big. They're going to wonder why you're eating because you need to lose weight" and so much more.
People don't realize that working on your health isn't as simple as eating "right" and exercising.
When you have gone a LIFETIME with an unhealthy relationship with food- too much or too little- you're not magically healed.
You have to relearn how to nourish your body, listen to your hunger cues instead of what your brain is saying, and focus on whatever it takes to get you to the place of freedom we all deserve.
Not to mention that adding in exercise is another level.
Workouts are NOT a punishment.
WE DESERVE MOVEMENT.
WE DESERVE FOOD.
Anyways, I'm really happy about this new development.
I`m a work in progress though.
Like I said, this happened on Wednesday, and by Sunday my brain was telling me maybe I had gained a few pounds.
I knew I hadn't but the thought was still there.
I had to have a little heart to heart with myself and Amy.
Remember- Progress NOT perfection.
I didn't punish myself for this or think that all of my progress on my thought process was ruined. I'm only human!
I hope this shows you that even on days when your feelings go back and forth that you're still accomplishing things you thought, possibly, would never happen.
Keep working, growing, healing, and living!!!
There will continue to be less and less moments of panic, shame, and negativity.
Happy Monday! Let's crush this week together.